


How to Soothe a Pissy Colonel

by thealphagate_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: First Time, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-21
Updated: 2006-03-21
Packaged: 2019-02-02 18:26:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12731901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealphagate_archivist/pseuds/thealphagate_archivist
Summary: Teal'c and Sam have had enough of Jack and Daniel's pissy-ness and decide to take action to resolve the difficulty.





	How to Soothe a Pissy Colonel

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

  
Author's notes: a bit of sap, otherwise, none  


* * *

"Teal'c, do you have a minute to talk?"

"Of course, MajorCarter, I can delay my kel-nor-reem to speak with you." The Jaffa let Sam in, the brown eyes concerned. The Tau'ri woman would never interrupt his meditation time unless something was really bothering her.

They sat down on the bed, which was the only furniture in Teal'c's quarters.

"Teal'c, I'm not very good at stuff like, well, emotional stuff, you know."

"Yes, I understand what you mean."

"But I have to talk about this to some one. It's the way Colonel O'Neill's been treating Daniel. You've seen him! It's like he hates him, or something."

Teal'c looked at the worried Human. Should he tell her what he had noticed? The Tau'ri had such odd rules regarding same sex relationships. He wasn't sure how she would react. And she, herself, was attracted to O'Neill. Hmmm. 

The Jaffa finally made up his mind. "O'Neill is treating DanielJackson this way because he is afraid."

"Afraid? Jack? No way, Teal'c. Nothing scares the Colonel." Of that fact, Sam was sure.

"Our colleague is brave to a fault, Samantha, that is true. However, one thing frightens O'Neill to the point where he refuses to see the fact of its existence. That thing is love."

"Love? Jack? No way." God, she was beginning to sound like a parrot mimicking sounds spoken to her. Next she'd be asking for a cracker.

Teal'c nodded wisely. "Yes. O'Neill loves DanielJackson, and because of the prejudices of your military, and because he fears rejection if DanielJackson should ever find out about his feelings, O'Neill is afraid. So he has buried these feelings deep within his soul, and the price of doing that is his current behavior."

"But the Colonel isn't gay."

"I did not say that O'Neill was joyous."

Sam smiled at that. "No. Sorry, I used a slang term that means homosexual."

"Ah, in that case, I agree. O'Neill does not usually prefer men as lovers. Despite this fact, he has fallen deeply in love with DanielJackson. It is a fact that he has been courting our friend for many years now. They have acted as though they were married, but without the physical benefits that goes with the state."

"But what about..." Sam blushed.

"What about when he thought he loved you, Samantha? He does love you, as do I. You are a comrade in arms, a friend, and a sister to us both. O'Neill knew he loved someone on our team, yet his fears turned him to the most logical, and the safest, person for him to care for. I am not safe, for I have no barrier to same sex relationships, and O'Neill could not risk that I would take him up on his offer. DanielJackson is far from safe, because he has been in love with O'Neill for many years, and O'Neill knows in his heart of these feelings."

"Why me safest?" She wasn't sure if she should be insulted or not by Teal'c's assessment.

"You would never take him up on his feelings because of your own career, and your own fears. You might reciprocate an attraction, but you would choose not to act on it. As indeed you did not."

"Great. I love being predictable like that."

"Not predictable, Samantha. Just disciplined and ambitious. Both are admirable qualities, and they make you even more attractive, in my mind."

A smile came on her face. "Why, thanks, Teal'c. I think you're attractive too."

"The only solution to easing this tension between our two teammates is to force them to see and admit how they feel about each other."

"Well, how in God's name do we do that? Colonel Jack, Sir, that beautiful archeologist over there, who practically every single female at the SGC and some of the Marines and Major Davis have been pining for forever, is in love with you. Go for it!" She smiled. "No way, Teal'c. The Colonel would think we're crazy."

"I have an idea, but I could not put it into action without a Tau'ri to help me with the arrangements, since I cannot come and go on your world freely. It is like this..."

And so, Operation "Pissy Colonel" was born from a simple question and the concerns of two friends.

**Four Days Later**

"Damnit, Carter, what made you and Daniel come here to this bunker in the first place?"

"That artifact we found on PCZ-300, the one that looked like a goat? It was made of a strange metal that has nuclear characteristics. I wanted to destroy a piece with Teal'c's staff weapon, but we needed a safe place to carry out the experiment." Sam pushed O'Neill out of the way of a deep hole in the degraded concrete floor. "Be careful, Sir, that hole goes down to the next floor."

"Shit! This place is a disaster waiting to happen! I can't believe that you actually took Daniel here with you. A disaster walking into a disaster waiting. Dumb move, Carter."

"In hindsight, I realize that now, Colonel."

"Now tell me again why you didn't want to bring in the Marines to help get him out?"

"He asked me not to, Sir. He said he was embarrassed, and that it was just a strained ankle and wrist. Teal'c could have carried him out alone, but I wasn't sure the floor could handle their combined weights."

Jack stepped nimbly out of the way of another pothole. "Good assessment. The concrete's totally rotten all around this place in spots. The three of us can get him out of here safely. Two can carry him while the other one scopes out a safe route. And he won't be embarrassed around just us."

"That's what I thought, too." Ah-ha, he was falling for it, hook, line, and sinker! Now, if she could just keep the Colonel unsuspecting until the trap is sprung... Not so easy a task, actually, with his Special Forces training in covert operations. Her CO could smell an ambush a mile away. Of course, since he trusted Sam and Teal'c, that should take the edge off of his instincts, hopefully.

"Okay. Turn here, Colonel, then we climb down that ladder, and Daniel and Teal'c are at the end of that corridor. We can't see them from here." This was the weakest point in their plan, and the most transparent point as well, if O'Neill should call out to the other men in greeting. It was here where the trust that O'Neill held for his team would figure the strongest.

Jack looked down at the rickety ladder. "I'll go first, just in case the ladder goes with you above me, since you're the lightest."

And so he could be there to catch her if she fell. Damn.

Sam felt a strong moment of guilt at what Teal'c and she were doing to their friends. But it was for their own good. The two of them were perfect for each other, and loved each other to the exclusion of all else. They needed to consummate those feelings, damnit, or their hearts would just shrivel up and die from lack of use.

"Don't get on the ladder until I'm down, okay?"

"Yes, Sir."

Jack climbed down the ladder quickly, jumping to the ground with only minor twinges to his knees.

"Okay. Come on down, now."

Above the Colonel's head, Teal'c's brown and gold head appeared next to Sam, and the scrape of the ladder being pulled up startled Jack.

"Uh, Carter, Teal'c, what'cha doing?"

"There is something that needs doing by you down there sir, and we're going to make sure it gets done. Sorry."

"For crying out loud, what are the two of you playing at? Put that ladder back now, that's an order!"

"I'm sorry, Colonel, but we can't do that. Daniel is barricaded in a room at the end of that long corridor, sir. He's tied up and gagged, and he isn't very comfortable. He needs you, Jack."

"Yes, O'Neill. We will not be letting you out until the two of you come to an understanding. There is food, water, beer, running water, a bed and other amenities which will make your time in here more comfortable."

"This is a joke, right? Well, you can tell Daniel that I don't think it's funny."

"You tell him Sir, right after you untie him. We'll be checking with you often, just to see whether the two of you have kissed and made up yet. And we will know if you haven't. Don't try to lie, or to fool us. You trained us too well for that."

Finally after a lot more shouting and cussing, Jack's worry that they might have actually tied Daniel up sent him down the corridor to the heavy gun-metal gray door.

Not only had their teammates tied Daniel up, they had also gagged him and taken his clothes. He was tied to a padded chair in only his boxers and socks. Blue eyes that looked as hard as sapphires, but with more than an edge of hurt in them, just glared at the Colonel. Daniel was sure this was just one more joke the Colonel was playing at his expense. No way would his friends do this to him without Jack egging them on. Boy was O'Neill going to be sorry when Daniel got free!

Daniel's anger softened towards Jack when he saw the real shock and anger on the Colonel's face. 

"Son of a bitch! Don't worry, Daniel, I'll get you out of that." Trying with long experience to ignore Daniel's goosebumped body right in front of his nose, Jack started untying his archeologist's feet. His long, elegant, damn sexy-looking feet, even encased in socks with a few holes in them. The Colonel really liked feet, and his linguist's feet were a pleasure to look at. Almost as much as the rest of him put together. Almost.

Going after the hands next, the now red-faced Colonel finally looked into angry blue eyes. "Hey, don't glare at me like that! I didn't do anything, and I didn't have them tie you up. They did it on their own."

Daniel, his hands free finally, wrenched the gag out of his mouth.

"What do those two think they're doing, Jack? Teal'c and Sam got me down here on a ruse of some forgotten military machine, then Teal'c grabbed me, took my clothes, and they tied me up! They said something about you and me needing to come to an understanding. I have no idea what they were talking about, there."

Ignoring Daniel's question, Jack responded by reaching out. "Here, let me see your wrists." The older man hoped that his fatigue pants were loose enough so Daniel wouldn't see him hardening at having an almost naked bundle of temptation for pissy Colonels who hadn't gotten any for a very long while standing close enough to smell. And with such sweet feet included! Jack took the archeologist's hands in his own.

He looked down at the reddened wrists he was holding. "Well that's one thing. They didn't tie you tight enough to cut off the circulation in your wrists." Absentmindedly he started rubbing his thumbs over Daniel's wrists. The skin was really soft here, and Jack's calluses from years of weapon handling smoothed over the red areas without catching too much.

Alarmed by the inadvertent caress, Daniel pulled his wrists out of Jack's hands and turned his back on the Colonel before the military man could notice Daniel's body reacting inappropriately in his boxers.

"I'm cold. Where the hell did they put my clothes?" Daniel was a warm weather creature, and he was shivering in the coolness of the underground area they stood in. 

The two of them looked around their surroundings. There was a made up bed with lots of blankets, a couple of electric skillets for cooking and some pans, a refrigerator, a port-a-pot chemical toilet, bottles and bottles of water, a sink and cans of food with a can opener. A lot of stuff, but no clothes.

"Damn, the place looks just like a hotel room, doesn't it?"

"If the hotel was in a concrete bunker, yes." His teeth chattered suddenly.

Concerned, Jack started unbuttoning his green uniform shirt. 

Daniel eyed the undressing Colonel warily. "Um, what are you doing, Jack?"

Jack grinned. "What's the matter, Daniel? Do you think I'm doing a strip tease for you?"

He wished. "Uh, no. But you are taking off your clothes."

"Right. I can handle the cold better than you can, what with you spending most of your life in hot places. So I'm giving them to you."

"But what are you going to do? There's only that small heater over there, Jack, and if Sam and Teal'c are really going to leave us here overnight, you'll freeze, cold-blooded or not!"

Jack was now in his boxers, socks, and his black t-shirt. He handed the clothes to Daniel, and the archeologist, despite his protests, grabbed them and put them on thankfully.

"We've been on cold worlds before, big guy. They've left us lots of blankets, a coffee maker, a means to make a hot meal, and a bed. It's better than we've had lots of times before. We'll be fine until those two get tired of whatever game they're playing."

Daniel shrugged, buttoning the shirt up. It was warm from Jack's body, and heavy with the military man's scent. He fought to not take a deep breath of this smell in front of the source, even though it would have given him a lot of comfort to do so. His friends had gone nuts and had turned on them and Daniel was feeling a little lost because of it. Thank god he wasn't alone, and that Jack was here with him. Even in the worst situations they'd been through, Jack always gave Daniel a feeling that they would be fine, even when they weren't.

Jack started puttering around their makeshift kitchen, and soon Daniel could smell coffee brewing. His nose twitched at the scent, reminding Jack of the big white rabbit in Alice in Wonderland. Come to think of it, his kids turning on him and Daniel was a little like that classic story, it was so weird. What understanding did they want him to come to with Daniel? Granted, the two of them hadn't been as close lately...

"Is that..."

Jack turned, a mug in each hand with a grin. "Yep. Your favorite, Columbian top roast with chickory. At least they don't want you to suffer from caffeine withdrawal."

"Hmmph!" Daniel watched Jack go over and slip under the covers of the bed. Despite his words, the older man must be cold. The archeologist looked around the room again, and spied some books sitting on a table in the corner.

"They even left us books to read? This is really strange, Jack. I don't get it at all." He walked over to the books and picked one up at random. "The gay Kama Sutra?" Daniel put that one down and grabbed another one. "The Closet is Open. My Man and I. The Picture Perfect Guide to Gay Love, a step-by-step guide!"

Jack had been sipping his coffee, watching Daniel turn redder and redder, and getting angrier and angrier as he read the books' names aloud. At that last title the Colonel said, "It has pictures? Hand it over. Nice to have something to look at."

Daniel gave him a dirty look, yet he threw the paperback over to the man on the bed. "I'm beginning to get a glimmer as to what kind of understanding they want us to come to. But what I can't figure out, is why."

The archeologist moved over to the bed since there was no other place to sit, without realizing that he carried one of the hated books with him in an almost automatic movement. 

"Move over, Jack."

The older man obediently scooted over, his attention completely on the book in his hands.

"Damn! That looks like it would hurt!"

"I am not going to look at gay pornography with you Jack!" Not if Jack wanted to still be virgin by the time this nightmare was over, Daniel thought as he opened up the copy of "My Man and I."

"Wow!" Jack turned the book to the side to get a better look at a picture. "I had no idea about this stuff."

Finally giving in to his curiosity, Daniel looked at the picture the Colonel was gaping at. Two men in the sixty-niner position. He realized his mistake as soon as he felt himself harden under the blankets when he imagined Jack and he in the same position. Fortunately there were lots of blankets to hide the evidence under.

"Daniel?"

Avoiding looking at the older man, Daniel answered sullenly, "What?"

"What understanding am I missing, that those kids would do this to us? Is it 'cause I've been kinda tough on you lately, d'ya think?"

"Tough isn't the word I would use, Jack. Asshole fits how you've been much closer. Yet you never told me what I did wrong, to get you so mad at me for so long." Blue eyes finally looked up into brown ones.

"It wasn't you, Daniel. It was me. I let my team get too close to me. I cared for you all too damn much, you especially." He said that last phrase almost at a whisper. "I was afraid of losing my edge 'cause of it, and that one of you would pay the price."

"So you pushed back at me? Yet you went after Sam. What good would doing that do?"

"None. I just figured that if I went after Carter, then my feelings would go back to normal."

Totally confused now, Daniel scrunched up his eyes. "Huh?"

"I know. It doesn't make sense. To run towards one member of my team just to keep from admitting what I felt for another one of 'em." Jack shook his head. "As though that would be a better thing to do."

His heart pounding, Daniel caught his breath. Did Jack mean what he thought he meant?

"You don't love Sam?"

"Yes. I do love Carter, the same way Jacob does, I think. God knows she's attractive. But her and I would kill each other if we got together, no matter how many alternate realities say differently. We both know that."

"Oh. Who, then..."

"Do you really have to ask?"

"Um, oh. Me?"

Jack grinned, a very bitter smile that hurt Daniel to see. "Yah. Old formerly straight and crazy Colonel falls for completely straight archeologist. Nuts, huh?"

"That's why you've put me off, and pushed me away? Because you care too much?"

"Yah. You're the best friend I've ever had, Daniel. It was you, you and Skaara, who gave me my life back on Abydos that first time. You make me want to be a better person, Christ, you even make me do good things!" He was looking down at his hands now, unable to meet Daniel's eyes so he didn't have to see the expected distaste in the archeologist's expression. "I couldn't bear to lose that friendship, so I went the opposite way. I pushed you away until my entire team saw it happening, and until I really hurt you. I'm sorry."

"Jack." That single word, spoken softly as usual, took control of the military man's mind and forced him to look up at the man next to him. Most people who met the two of them automatically assumed that the deadly Colonel was the guy in control. Most people were wrong. When it came down to it, it was the gentle, caring archeologist who was the strongest, not the Colonel. Daniel had a spiritual strength that, despite all he had been through, still shined like a beacon right into the tarnished soul of the Black Ops veteran. A light that made Jack feel clean again inside.

"I would never stop being your friend, no matter what you told me about yourself, or what you've done. But the way you've been acting, I've come very close to losing my trust in you." Daniel looked down at the book in his hands. "I'll take you any way I can get you."

"You will?"

"Yes. Damnit, O'Neill, you are the most clueless bastard I've ever met! I've loved you since our first trip through the stargate. I came to care deeply for Shaur'e, but it was you I dreamed of when she lay in my arms on Abydos at night."

"But you're straight. How can you love me like that? I'm a man."

"Don't have to tell me that. I /had/ noticed, you know. Actually, Jack, I'm bisexual. I've been with both men and women. You've just seen me with women. Besides, you feel the same way, and you're straight."

"Oh. I think /was straight/ are the operative words. I've never wanted a man in my life. Now, I not only want you in my bed, but I want you in my life, too. And I don't mean my work life, though I do want you on my team there too. SG-1 could lose me and not have a problem, hell, I'll have to retire some day anyway. But you, Daniel, you are SG-1. You're the heart of the team. You keep us all focused on what is important, and what is right."

"Really? I thought you didn't think I was worth more than a days rations, like Aris Boch."

"Don't kid yourself. You had Boch wrapped around your little finger. I saw the way that ass looked at you, Daniel!"

"He did? I never noticed."

"That's why you need me around, Jackson. Because you /never notice/! And you call me clueless!"

"Uh, Jack?"

"Yah?"

"What are we going to do about all this? I mean, your career... I would never do anything to hurt you or get you in trouble with the Air Force."

"I am forty-six years old, Daniel. I can make up my own mind as to what kind of risk I want to take. Fuck that protection stuff! If I want you, I'll damn well have you, Air Force or no Air Force."

Slowly, like the sun breaking through storm clouds, Daniel's face lit up, and he smiled. His whole face smiled, and Jack felt unbelievably humble suddenly to know that he was the one who caused the archeologist's joy.

"I do have some say in the matter, Colonel." 

"Of course you do. As long as what you say agrees with what I say, then we'll be fine."

"Hmph. I'll ask again, Jack. What are we going to do about this?"

Jack turned "The Picture Perfect Guide to Gay Love, a step-by-step guide" over and showed Daniel the picture with a grin.

"This looks like as good a way to start as any, don't you think?"

**THE NEXT DAY**

Teal'c and Sam tip-toed to the half-opened door in the old bunker. When they peeked inside, they saw the Colonel and Daniel, naked and wrapped around each other in the bed, asleep. Jack was curled protectively around Daniel, as though even in sleep the Special Forces soldier was keeping his lover safe from all who would harm him.

Sam's throat tightened as she looked at them. They loved each other so much!

"I believe that this mission has been a success, MajorCarter. O'Neill and DanielJackson have indeed come to an understanding." Teal'c whispered as they made their retreat in quiet haste.

"They looked so happy, Teal'c. We did good, I guess."

"That we did, Samantha. That we did."


End file.
